I have a secret. Sometimes I like boys.
Sometimes they are gay boys, sometimes they are buff boys, sometimes they are intellectual boys, but there have been moments when I have been caught up in their presence. I have been attracted to men.
A friend of mine once tried to revoke my lesbian membership for such a statement. Please keep in mind that she is not a lesbian herself, but a straight woman. “Monique, if you’re attracted to men, then you’re not a lesbian, you’re bisexual.” And my answer to her was always, “No. I am not a lesbian because I like to have sex with women. I am a lesbian because I choose to share my love and spirit with women.”
There are times when I feel like I will be called out and excommunicated from the lesbian community. It seems that one day I will be walking down the street, and some ultra-dyke in leather pants will point at me and yell, “Get her, she thinks about having sex with men!” And not only will my secret be exposed, but I’ll be beaten to a pulp by a mullet and a dildo.
But I am revealing my secret before I can be attacked. I am attracted to men. The more I say it, the more power it has, no? Actually I don’t think so. So I am attracted to men. How does the significance of that statement impact my inherent sexuality? Does that make me not much of a lesbian? A pseudo lesbian of sorts? Does it make me a fraud, impersonating what has been and will always be a pure selection of women who would never, ever consider having sex with a man?
Let’s for one moment be real with one another.
How many lesbians have at one point in their lives had sex with a man? How many women have made use of a dildo in their sexual experiences? Does the representation of a phallus decrease their lesbianism? Ask most “straight” women and they will tell you it does. However the majority of those straight women will also jump into bed with another woman and blame it on the influence of alcohol. Explain that.
This here is my point. Why does being a lesbian have to put me in a sexual straight jacket? I had to fight for my right to listen to alternative music as a black woman, and now I have to stand up for my right to fantasize about penis in order to maintain my lesbianism? I have straight male friends who have told me, “Yes, I tried kissing a guy. It just didn’t work out for me.” And what’s wrong with that? Doesn’t it make them more secure in knowing who they are and what they like through experience instead of prejudice and fear?
To me, sexual preference is a spectrum. You will inevitably have men and women on both ends of the scale. Who know with all their hearts there is no pleasure to be found in their same sex or the opposite sex. But what about everyone else? Everyone else just falls somewhere in the middle. I like to fantasize about the male species, but I will probably never have sex with another male again. I know lesbians who fantasize and would jump at the first plausible opportunity. I don’t consider their attraction to women any less severe than mine. I don’t discredit their current relationships. However, I do applaud their ability to embrace their own individual sexuality no matter where it may fall on the spectrum.
Our society has a need to box people in – whether it be according to race, hair color or education level. I’ve been in school for eighteen million years and I still don’t have a degree. Where’s the box labeled graduate of life experiences?
We as people have to learn to let go of the boxes, let their legs fall open to reveal the wide open spaces inside. My place in that wide open space may not be the same as someone else’s, but it is no less present.
Be proud of who you are. Embrace your inner sexuality. And maybe in time, society will stop being so afraid to just turn it loose.
